I’m still here, Anam Cara

Funeral plans are pending. As it happens, many of her friends are attending a wedding this weekend, and I just couldn’t interfere with that. I’ve still been working on notifications to some of the folks we hadn’t seen in a while. Some close friends from out of town, and some from in town, have been endeavoring to keep me too busy to fall into self pity. Family is here too, and helping me to cope. To everyone who has worried, has expressed sorrow or condolences, too many to name, I thank you for your kind words and concern. It hurts, but I will survive. It’s what she wanted.

I cry, at the oddest times, and about the strangest things. At other times, I am almost stoic. My emotions seem to be on a never ending roller coaster ride. I have memorial services to plan, and estate issues to be addressed. So much to do, much of which I have never done before. I need to write an obituary. I need to write a eulogy. Or at least decide if that’s what I want to do.

I’m so absent minded right now, I locked myself out of her car last night, and couldn’t find my keys until a few minutes ago. At least now I know where they are, even if I have no idea how I am getting them back. For now, it’s not of critical importance. I guess I will have to call a locksmith, but I may wait until Monday.

I have plans for a memorial blog for her, where I will post some of her many words of wisdom. I must not let that be lost too. Her love was so inclusive, so pure. And of that, we only have our memories. But no matter what else happens, no matter how long I stay on this plane, I will always have my Anam Cara.

She is finally free of her pain. Now mine begins in earnest.


About Janet Logan

Well educated woman, transgender / transsexual, lesbian, Reiki practitioner, LGBT activist, polyamorous, and eclectic Pagan.
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One Response to I’m still here, Anam Cara

  1. Emily says:

    You’re so right about what you said in your last sentence. Death is hardest on those that still have to go on. When the person you love is ill, all of your energy and sadness is directed towards that person. Barbara is now at peace, and one day you will find yours.

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