Jesse and I went out to Carrabba’s Italian Grill for dinner last night. And for the first time in a very long time, I had wine with dinner. Because of Barbara’s situation, I had abstained from all alcohol for the last two years plus. Her medications made drinking impossible for her, even before she was hospitalized that last time. I suppose that I was willing to break that taboo is another sign that I am moving on.
More importantly though, the wine loosened us both up just enough for me to ask for, and receive, an explanation of the apparent distance that grown between my daughter and me since her passing. It turns out that Jesse was “being strong for me” because she didn’t want to burden me with her grief. We had a really good conversation about that, including me telling her in no uncertain terms that hiding her grief was more painful to me than sharing it. I don’t know how much of that really got through to her, but at least I had a chance to say it, and I got an answer to something that had hurt me. It was a very productive evening, in that regard.
In case you are curious, I was a little tipsy by the time we left the restaurant. Just enough to be relaxed and ‘easy’ with myself for the first time in a very long time. I have to admit it felt good to have all the cares melt away for a short while. No, I am not going to start drinking to kill the pain. I still need to feel, everything. But it was a nice respite.