Today is my birthday …

Today is my birthday. Unfortunately, it is also the one month anniversary of Barbara’s death. As one of my daughters astutely noted last night, it is likely I will forever divide time into before and after that date. And this birthday is too soon after.

I have never been one to care much about birthdays anyway. Celebration of the natal anniversary is highly overrated. Seriously, I had nothing to do with it. I just happen to have been there. Perhaps part of my disdain for birthdays stems from my childhood. As I have already noted, I grew up poor and quickly. Birthdays were no big deal, because there was very seldom any money to buy gifts. It was just another day for a childhood disappointment. That kind of hurt seldom heals.

Then there is the fact that people I never hear from normally, suddenly come out of the woodwork this one day a year to wish me a happy birthday. Where were all these people the other 364 days of the year? Where were they when I was struggling just to breathe this past year? How many of them came to visit, and give me a short respite? Yes, I am bitter, and the solicitous wishes for my happiness just serve to highlight that bitterness.

I am in pain. Do they really think there is any chance I will have a “Happy Birthday”?


About Janet Logan

Well educated woman, transgender / transsexual, lesbian, Reiki practitioner, LGBT activist, polyamorous, and eclectic Pagan.
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4 Responses to Today is my birthday …

  1. lindak says:

    I have a friend who used to send his mother flowers on his birthday – after all, it was her that did all the work…

    Those people that you miss the other 364 days of the year – they’re around, and may be thinking about you whether you know it or not. People are not comfortable with illness and grief – and they retreat because they just don’t know what to say.

    No, today isn’t a happy birthday for you ernie – you’re missing Barbara to share it with. But you will have happy birthdays again one day…

    Hugs ernie – spend your day with barbara, know that she truly hasn’t left you – she’s just there in spirit rather than in body.

    Spoons, linda

  2. Janice Schwarz says:

    Glad you had someone to share that info with you. But your feelings on the subject were why I specifically didn’t wish you happy birthday. I had a feeling that were I in your shoes, I wouldn’t want to hear it either.

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