I’ve had a rough few weeks. Honestly, having the family here hasn’t been nearly as helpful as I hoped. Yes, it stopped me from choosing to follow Barbara in the first couple of months, but I still feel so alone I can barely stand it. I guess I am going to feel alone in a crowd, no matter how big that crowd, for a very long time.
I have had friends tell me that no one can understand this pain if they haven’t been there. I dismissed that then, as I guess most people do. But it is so true. The pain of losing a spouse is so much worse than anything you can imagine. The hole left in my soul feels as though it will never heal. It’s been suggested that I will get better, that with enough time, this wound will heal. Right now, I simply cannot believe that.
My mind is about half what it was before all this happened. I can’t think or concentrate like I know I should be able to do. My work is suffering. My boss is understanding, to a point, and I am glad of that. But I fear what will happen when he stops being understanding.
Kris and Rebeccah are doing everything they can to help me, and I appreciate them beyond anything they could possibly understand. But I still have more bad days than good, and I don’t know if or when that will change. Even the children have even recognized this, hard as I may try to hide it from them.
They are both planning to go back to college in the next semester, which I think is wonderful. Making that possible for them was a big part of why I asked them to come here to be with me. They are also working on starting their own home based business. I’m helping them get that off the ground as well.
So if you’ve wondered, that’s the word from here. What’s up with you?