And more about how I’ve been doing

I’ve had a rough few weeks. Honestly, having the family here hasn’t been nearly as helpful as I hoped. Yes, it stopped me from choosing to follow Barbara in the first couple of months, but I still feel so alone I can barely stand it. I guess I am going to feel alone in a crowd, no matter how big that crowd, for a very long time.

I have had friends tell me that no one can understand this pain if they haven’t been there. I dismissed that then, as I guess most people do. But it is so true. The pain of losing a spouse is so much worse than anything you can imagine. The hole left in my soul feels as though it will never heal. It’s been suggested that I will get better, that with enough time, this wound will heal. Right now, I simply cannot believe that.

My mind is about half what it was before all this happened. I can’t think or concentrate like I know I should be able to do. My work is suffering. My boss is understanding, to a point, and I am glad of that. But I fear what will happen when he stops being understanding.

Kris and Rebeccah are doing everything they can to help me, and I appreciate them beyond anything they could possibly understand. But I still have more bad days than good, and I don’t know if or when that will change. Even the children have even recognized this, hard as I may try to hide it from them.

They are both planning to go back to college in the next semester, which I think is wonderful. Making that possible for them was a big part of why I asked them to come here to be with me. They are also working on starting their own home based business. I’m helping them get that off the ground as well.

So if you’ve wondered, that’s the word from here. What’s up with you?


About Janet Logan

Well educated woman, transgender / transsexual, lesbian, Reiki practitioner, LGBT activist, polyamorous, and eclectic Pagan.
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2 Responses to And more about how I’ve been doing

  1. Marijke says:

    I am so sorry about what you have been and continue to go through.

    My name is Marijke. I am the content manager for a non-profit organization called Sepsis Alliance ( Our mission is to help spread the word about sepsis and to prevent the serious consequences of the disease, which as you know can be fatal.

    We are a patient advocacy group and are not aligned with any institutions or pharmaceuticals. We are also working on the social media side and have a Facebook page (sepsisalliance) and we are on Twitter (also sepsisalliance). The organization was originally founded by a gentleman, Dr. Carl Flatley, who lost his 23-year-old daughter to sepsis, and SA has grown to what it is now.

    Currently, we are reading through blogs and news stories, looking for people and families who have experienced sepsis and that is how I came across your information. I’m reaching out to people who have lived through the horror of sepsis so we can offer support to people who are living through the experience right now.

    I invite you to check our website, particularly the Faces of Sepsis section, where we have stories of people who have had sepsis. Sadly, not all made it through. We also have a forums section, where we hope to get discussion going about sepsis.

    Would you be interested in helping us spread the word by talking about your experience?

    If this does not interest you, please forgive my intrusion.

    Best regards,

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